Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Are You Naijarian Jokes Freak? Check This Out!
POLICE DEY READ BIBLE……??!!
On Lagos-Ibadan express road, when a Pastor met a team of policemen who, quite
naturally, wanted 'something' from him. Since he was not prepared to
play their games, they asked for his papers and having combed through everything
without any offence with which to nail the 'stubborn' pastor, they now
asked him to open the bonnet of his car.
A careful scrutiny of the engine number against what was on paper revealed that
letter 'U' was written in such a way that it could be mistaken for letter 'V'. That
was all the officer-in-charge needed to shout "stolen vehicle!"
Sensing trouble, even when he knew he committed no offence, the pastor called the OC to say he was a priest to which the officer replied :"Please, leave that
pastor thing...in any case, if you are indeed a pastor, then you must have a
Bible in your car, bring it."
The Pastor did as was commanded after which the officer now ordered:
"Please read Matthew 5:25-26 to me".
The incredulous Pastor opened to the recommended passage and read:
"Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still with him on the way, or he may hand you over to a judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. I tell you the truth; you will not get out until you have paid the last penny."
The man of God quietly made an "offering" of "just" N100 to his newly found "preacher".
"End of service go in peace and argue no more", said the OC.Life
God created the donkey and said to him, "You will be a donkey. You will work untiringly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence and you will live 50 years."
The donkey answered, "I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is much. Give me only 20."
God granted his wish.
God created the dog and said to him, "You will guard the house of Man. You will be his best friend. You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 30 years. You will be a dog."
The dog answered, "Sir, to live 30 years is too much. Give me only 15."
God granted his wish.
God created the monkey and said to him, "You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks. You will be amusing and you will live 20 years. You will be a monkey."
The monkey answered, "To live 20 years is too much. Give me only 10."
God granted his wish.
Finally god created man, and said to him, "You will be man, the only rational creature on the face of earth. You will use your intelligence to become master over all the animals. You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years."
Man responded, "Sir, I will be a man but to live only 20 years is very little, give me the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 15 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years the monkey refused.
God granted man's wish....
And since then...
Man lives 20 years as a man,
marries and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying all the burdens on his back.
Then when his children are grown...
he lives 15 years like a dog,
taking care of the house and eating whatever is given to him, so that when he is old, he can retire
and live 10 years like a monkey,
going from house to house and from one son or daughter to another,
doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren
That's LIFEA Lawyer and a Jamaican
A Lawyer and a Jamaican...
A lawyer and a Jamaican are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that Jamaicans are so dumb that he can fool them easy...
So the lawyer asks if the Jamaican would like to play a fun game.
The Jamaican is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and says that the game is a lot of fun.
'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; You ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500..'
This catches the Jamaican's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
'What's the distance from The Earth to the moon?'
The Jamaican doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the Jamaican's turn.
He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all the references he knows.
He uses the air-phone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress.
He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After one hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes up the Jamaican and hands him $500.
The Jamaican pockets the $500 goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.
He wakes the Jamaican up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'The Jamaican reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.[are you sure that guy isn't a Naija guy?]I just got this .....enjoy
Pls read through this converastion …
GIRL: I have sinned. I called my boyfriend a BASTARD.
PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?
GIRL: Well, he kissed me.
PSYCHIATRIST:You mean like this? The psychiatrist kissed the girl
GIRL: ......Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST:Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL:But, he put his hand in my top.
PSYCHIATRIST:You mean like this? The psychiatrist put his hand in the girl's top
GIRL:Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST:Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL:But, he took my clothes off.
PSYCHIATRIST:You mean like this? The psychiatrist took off the girl's clothes
GIRL:Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST:Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL:But, he had sex with me!
PSYCHIATRIST:You mean like this? The psychiatrist had sex with the girl
GIRL:.Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST:Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL:But, then he told me he has AIDS.
PSYCHIATRIST:BASTARDDDDDD!!!!!Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. 'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league. When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?' 'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,
'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'
BOB's funeral will be on Friday.BEFORE MARRIAGE.....
HE: Yes. At last! It was so hard to wait.
SHE: Do you want me to leave?
HE: No! Don't even think about it!
SHE: Do you love me?
HE: Of course! Over and over.
SHE: Have you ever cheated on me?
HE: No! Why are you even asking?
SHE: Will you kiss me?
HE:Every chance I get.
SHE: Will you hit me?
HE: Are you crazy? I am not that kind of person.
SHE: Can I trust you?
HE: Yes
SHE: Darling!
...............AFTER MARRIAGESIMPLY READ FROM BOTTOM TO TOP
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