Everybody at the laughing man. loves Charlie Harper and the extravagant people around him. That's why we want to share some of the funniest Two and a half men quotes with you.
Alan: Why don't you just get snipped?
Charlie: You mean a vasectomy?
Alan: Yeah.
Charlie: Well, then, say "vasectomy". Don't say "snipped"!
Alan: What's wrong with "snipped"?
Charlie: It's demeaning. "Snipped" is what you get for twelve bucks at Supercuts.
Jake: My doctor has a cow puppet.
Evelyn: Really? MD or Ph.D?
Jake: C-O-W
Charlie: What's wrong with my lifestyle?
Alan: Oh, no! We're not going down that road at $300 an hour!
Judith: Don't you think you've had enough to drink at the magic show, Evelyn?
Evelyn: Excuse me, darling, but some of us deal with our boredom and depression the old-fashioned, non-prescription way.
Bill: I know this comes as a shock to you.
Charlie: Please, if I had a nickel for every time a girl dumped me, disapeared for five years and came back as a guy, I'd have a nickel!
Charlie: I slept with a woman who wanted to be a man. Or, I slept with a man in a woman's body. Or, and this is my new favorite and the title of my autobiography, my mom and I slept with the same dude!
Charlie [filling out medical form]: Have you had one of the following: measles?
Jake: I don't know.
Charlie: Mumps?
Jake: I don't know.
Charlie: Chicken pox?
Jake: Is that the one with the spots?
Charlie: Yes!
Jake: I don't know.
Charlie: I want the good stuff! I want cheese that isn't air-dropped into Third World countries! I want ouchless toilet paper! I want vodka that doesn't look like Fred Flintstone would drink it! I want my life back.
Alan: Fine. Then swallow your pride, call Mom, and ask her to lend you some money.
Charlie [opening the bottle of generic vodka]: Yabba-dabba-doo.
Charlie: Alan, I can't do this anymore, I quit!
Alan: You can't quit poverty, Charlie.
Charlie: Great, why don't I just shoot myself?
Alan: Can't afford a gun.
Alan: Rose, what are you doing here?
Rose: Babysitting.
Alan: Where's my mother?
Jake: She left.
Alan: Why?
Jake: I don't know. We were watching SpongeBob SquarePants, and she stood up and said life was too short.
Alan: Why don't you just get snipped?
Charlie: You mean a vasectomy?
Alan: Yeah.
Charlie: Well, then, say "vasectomy". Don't say "snipped"!
Alan: What's wrong with "snipped"?
Charlie: It's demeaning. "Snipped" is what you get for twelve bucks at Supercuts.
Jake: My doctor has a cow puppet.
Evelyn: Really? MD or Ph.D?
Jake: C-O-W
Charlie: What's wrong with my lifestyle?
Alan: Oh, no! We're not going down that road at $300 an hour!
Judith: Don't you think you've had enough to drink at the magic show, Evelyn?
Evelyn: Excuse me, darling, but some of us deal with our boredom and depression the old-fashioned, non-prescription way.
Bill: I know this comes as a shock to you.
Charlie: Please, if I had a nickel for every time a girl dumped me, disapeared for five years and came back as a guy, I'd have a nickel!
Charlie: I slept with a woman who wanted to be a man. Or, I slept with a man in a woman's body. Or, and this is my new favorite and the title of my autobiography, my mom and I slept with the same dude!
Charlie [filling out medical form]: Have you had one of the following: measles?
Jake: I don't know.
Charlie: Mumps?
Jake: I don't know.
Charlie: Chicken pox?
Jake: Is that the one with the spots?
Charlie: Yes!
Jake: I don't know.
Charlie: I want the good stuff! I want cheese that isn't air-dropped into Third World countries! I want ouchless toilet paper! I want vodka that doesn't look like Fred Flintstone would drink it! I want my life back.
Alan: Fine. Then swallow your pride, call Mom, and ask her to lend you some money.
Charlie [opening the bottle of generic vodka]: Yabba-dabba-doo.
Charlie: Alan, I can't do this anymore, I quit!
Alan: You can't quit poverty, Charlie.
Charlie: Great, why don't I just shoot myself?
Alan: Can't afford a gun.
Alan: Rose, what are you doing here?
Rose: Babysitting.
Alan: Where's my mother?
Jake: She left.
Alan: Why?
Jake: I don't know. We were watching SpongeBob SquarePants, and she stood up and said life was too short.
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